I don't like you. Photo: imdb.com. I’ve waxed poetic a few times about my favorite actors. But up until now, I haven’t shared my list of actors I can’t stand, mostly because that would be mean. However, I’m short on material this week, so I’ve decided to toss my instincts to not be cruel aside and instead trash some celebrities who have made a lot more money than I have doing something that, while doing it terribly, is still something I've never attempted. So here is my list of people who can't act:
10. Tom Green
Kind of a no-brainer with this guy. He’s not funny, but he thinks he is, which makes him unfunny and obnoxious.
10. Tom Green
Kind of a no-brainer with this guy. He’s not funny, but he thinks he is, which makes him unfunny and obnoxious.
Not good. Photo: mypopulars.com. 9. Tia Carrere
I give this woman a lot of credit for going on Dancing With The Stars something like six weeks after giving birth. I really do. But she can't act. I remember watching her in Wayne's World and thinking Huh. I didn't expect this lady to be the worst thing about this turdblossom of a movie.
I give this woman a lot of credit for going on Dancing With The Stars something like six weeks after giving birth. I really do. But she can't act. I remember watching her in Wayne's World and thinking Huh. I didn't expect this lady to be the worst thing about this turdblossom of a movie.
See? Completely forgettable. Photo: popsugar.com 8. Ryan Phillippe
Does anybody even remember what this vanilla milkshake of an actor has even done, besides marry Reese Witherspoon? (She did eventually realize she could do better and divorced him.) Did you know he was in Gosford Park, Flags of Our Fathers, and The Lincoln Lawyer? No? You didn't remember because he's bland, boring, and unremarkable.
Does anybody even remember what this vanilla milkshake of an actor has even done, besides marry Reese Witherspoon? (She did eventually realize she could do better and divorced him.) Did you know he was in Gosford Park, Flags of Our Fathers, and The Lincoln Lawyer? No? You didn't remember because he's bland, boring, and unremarkable.
Stop reminding Elaine of someone icky! Photo: deadline.com 7. Nicholas Cage
I am not over The Wicker Man yet. There are so many things I could've done with those wasted 102 minutes: visited a local garage to see how automobiles are fixed. Written a letter to my congressman about what a good job he's doing (if I knew his name, that is). Clipped my toenails. Something other than sitting through that crapfest.
Also, he reminds one of my coworkers of someone she doesn't like. Strike two. And strike three, because Wicker Man.
I am not over The Wicker Man yet. There are so many things I could've done with those wasted 102 minutes: visited a local garage to see how automobiles are fixed. Written a letter to my congressman about what a good job he's doing (if I knew his name, that is). Clipped my toenails. Something other than sitting through that crapfest.
Also, he reminds one of my coworkers of someone she doesn't like. Strike two. And strike three, because Wicker Man.
I really don't like you. Photo: screencritix.com 6. Jean Claude Van Damme
I still can't figure out why anyone ever paid to see this guy in a movie. (I should also probably mention here that I don't particularly like movies with a lot of [read: any] martial arts.) I cringe when he opens his mouth. He's not handsome. And in the spirit of full disclosure, I'll admit I can forgive a lot if you're pretty to look at. Jason Statham: can't act, does a lot of fancy fighting in his movies, pretty to look at. I sure do love me some Jason Statham.
You, Mr. Van Damme, are no Jason Statham.
I still can't figure out why anyone ever paid to see this guy in a movie. (I should also probably mention here that I don't particularly like movies with a lot of [read: any] martial arts.) I cringe when he opens his mouth. He's not handsome. And in the spirit of full disclosure, I'll admit I can forgive a lot if you're pretty to look at. Jason Statham: can't act, does a lot of fancy fighting in his movies, pretty to look at. I sure do love me some Jason Statham.
You, Mr. Van Damme, are no Jason Statham.
I mostly just feel sorry for you. Photo: rogerebert.com 5. Rob Schneider
I hate picking on this guy, because everybody does. Plus, it's not like he has a huge, undeserved ego, like Tom Green. In fact, Tom Green should be higher on my list than this guy, because Green is an incompetent troll who thinks he's awesome. Let me reiterate: he is not. But I don't feel like renumbering the whole list, so just assume Schneider is 10 and Green is 5.
Rob Schneider: seems nice, but makes stupid films.
I hate picking on this guy, because everybody does. Plus, it's not like he has a huge, undeserved ego, like Tom Green. In fact, Tom Green should be higher on my list than this guy, because Green is an incompetent troll who thinks he's awesome. Let me reiterate: he is not. But I don't feel like renumbering the whole list, so just assume Schneider is 10 and Green is 5.
Rob Schneider: seems nice, but makes stupid films.
You annoy me. Photo: popsugar.com 4. Ashton Kutcher
Honestly, if this guy hadn't married Demi Moore, I would still have no idea who he is. I think he was on some show once, and then he was on another show. He might've been in a movie, too. I don't know. Here's what I do know: he single-handedly caused every woman my age who dates a man even six months younger than her to now be referred to as a "cougar." Thanks a lot, jerk.
Honestly, if this guy hadn't married Demi Moore, I would still have no idea who he is. I think he was on some show once, and then he was on another show. He might've been in a movie, too. I don't know. Here's what I do know: he single-handedly caused every woman my age who dates a man even six months younger than her to now be referred to as a "cougar." Thanks a lot, jerk.
Sorry, you're no Martin Sheen. Photo: goldderby.com 3. Emilio Estevez
The powers that be might revoke my "child of the eighties" card for this, but I'll confess, I never understood what the big deal was about Emilio Estevez. He was forgettable in The Outsiders, a total milk dud in St. Elmo's Fire, and the janitor in Breakfast Club turned in a better performance than this guy. The Mighty Ducks may have been the peak of his acting skills. Just terrible.
The powers that be might revoke my "child of the eighties" card for this, but I'll confess, I never understood what the big deal was about Emilio Estevez. He was forgettable in The Outsiders, a total milk dud in St. Elmo's Fire, and the janitor in Breakfast Club turned in a better performance than this guy. The Mighty Ducks may have been the peak of his acting skills. Just terrible.
Ugh. Just ugh. Photo: imdb.com 2. David Arquette
I often feel embarrassed for David Arquette when he shows up in something. He's not funny, his comedic timing is nonexistent, and he acts like idiocy is something to be proud of. How he ever got Courtney Cox to marry him is a mystery to this day. She said she fell in love with him because he was funny. When I read that, I mailed her a copy of Mad magazine with a note telling her to raise her standards.
I often feel embarrassed for David Arquette when he shows up in something. He's not funny, his comedic timing is nonexistent, and he acts like idiocy is something to be proud of. How he ever got Courtney Cox to marry him is a mystery to this day. She said she fell in love with him because he was funny. When I read that, I mailed her a copy of Mad magazine with a note telling her to raise her standards.
Even this picture irritates me. Photo: starpulse.com 1. David Caruso
I don’t know why this man irritates me so much, but if you want to see me change from mild-mannered, coffee-sipping farmer’s daughter to crazed, furious, shooting-flames-out-of-my-eye-sockets maniac in 2.3 seconds, change the channel to an old episode of CSI: Miami. I hate this guy’s voice, his face, his mannerisms, and have been known to screech, “He’s standing still too loudly! TURN IT OFF!” shrilly enough to shatter ice cubes. He can’t act, he’s not attractive, and he’s a condescending egomaniac. Did I say I didn’t know why he irritated me? Mystery solved.
There you have it. Agree with me, disagree, or try to debate me about why martial arts films are great. (Is Jason Statham in it? No? Then no.) Here's what I know: my blog is now done for the week, and I truly hate David Caruso.
I don’t know why this man irritates me so much, but if you want to see me change from mild-mannered, coffee-sipping farmer’s daughter to crazed, furious, shooting-flames-out-of-my-eye-sockets maniac in 2.3 seconds, change the channel to an old episode of CSI: Miami. I hate this guy’s voice, his face, his mannerisms, and have been known to screech, “He’s standing still too loudly! TURN IT OFF!” shrilly enough to shatter ice cubes. He can’t act, he’s not attractive, and he’s a condescending egomaniac. Did I say I didn’t know why he irritated me? Mystery solved.
There you have it. Agree with me, disagree, or try to debate me about why martial arts films are great. (Is Jason Statham in it? No? Then no.) Here's what I know: my blog is now done for the week, and I truly hate David Caruso.
RSS Feed